When I meet with new clients in my therapy practice, I ask them to identify one or two specific goals to work on together. Often, the initial answer I get is, "My whole life isn't working, and I want to change everything."
I can relate to this way of thinking. Those who know me well know that when the going gets really tough in my own life, I tend to start daydreaming about moving to someplace distant and different, and starting over again as a "new" person (as if this were possible! In 12-step lingo, they call this the "geographical cure", which is their ironic way of saying it is no cure at all, for we always bring ourselves with us. But it can be tempting sometimes, right?-- to view one's life as a giant Etch-a-Sketch drawing that we can just shake to invisibility and start all over again from scratch.)
The trouble with the Life Overhaul goal, though, is not just in its impracticality. The trouble is that it entails turning a blind eye to what is actually working well in our lives, what we're proud of, what we'd like to continue to enjoy. Seeing one's life as a problem in and of itself does not lend itself to feeling very good, nor does it position one well to recognize and cultivate the positive.
I thought about this yesterday when I came across a quote that I had seen before on Facebook, but which has struck me very differently the first time I read it versus the second time. The quote was about how, while our comfort zones are pleasant, that "nothing much grows there".
The first time I read the quote some months ago, I thought it was great, that it got at the importance of taking risks, braving change. And I can still see that aspect of it.
But on reading it a second time, I found myself thinking of my clients who have felt, just as I have at times, that they wanted or needed to redo their entire lives. I thought about the underlying assumption that what's familiar is automatically unchallenging, failing to promote growth. And that what's new/different/unknown/hard automatically makes us stronger or better, or moves us in a valued direction.
So I'm thinking now that maybe comfort zones are getting a bad rap. That we build them in part from knowing what makes us tick, what helps us feel secure. And sometimes feeling secure can be a damned good thing!
Today, my own comfort zone is filled with things that are meaningful and positive for me. A lot of creativity, arts, and language. Some tried and true ways of enjoying time with my daughter. Some relationships that have nourished me along the way.
At the same time, I want to keep making progress in certain areas. I don't want to feel stagnant. I want a certain amount of "new": new experiences, new insights, new accomplishments, new challenges.
So for now, I am not looking to abandon my comfort zone completely. I appreciate what it does for me, the sense of ease and familiarity it gives.
I am, however, doing some redecorating in my comfort zone. This month's redecorating has included:
- attending a new women's writing group
- venturing from my small town to Boston twice for two just-for-enjoyment activities, and
- going to a weekend retreat focusing on creativity.
Each of these has entailed some familiar along with unfamiliar , some "tried and true" along with some "novel and growth-inducing", and thus far, I've been happy with the experiences.
How about you? Life overhaul, comfort zone, or comfort zone with redecorating-in-progress? Love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
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