Let me be clear from the outset about what this post isn't. This is not a statement that kids should see any and all adult-geared movies. I want to be clear that I am not recommending that you bring your child to a matinee of Fifty Shades of Gray, or that you stay home and watch Gladiator or Saw with your youngster. Plenty of movies are just not kid-appropriate or friendly, period, no matter the child, family, or viewing context.
But as a parent, you might find yourself faced, as I was recently, with a situation in which your child wants to see a movie that is in the gray area (and not of the Fifty Shades variety). Such was the case when my daughter wanted to watch the movie "Waitress" with me recently, a movie I had planned to watch after she was in bed for the night.
"Waitress" has a sentimental value to me. I saw it at the Pleasant Street Theatre in Northampton (which no longer exists) when my daughter was an infant. I had been half-living at the NICU where she was receiving care after her premature birth, and a nurse firmly but kindly suggested I take some time to myself in a non-critical-care setting. I chose the movie "Waitress" because it was billed as a comedy (I thought I could use something light under the circumstances), and because I had read that Andy Griffith appears in the film.
Fast forward to present day. I remembered liking the movie, but also that, despite being marketed as a "comedy", "Waitress" included content about domestic violence, along with some other adult themes. I saw that it was rated PG-13, which is also the rating for several of the animated movies she enjoys. I also remembered that there were positive themes in the movie, including the depiction of strong and supportive friendships and the fact that the main character (of course, a waitress) figures out how to get out of a bad situation and into a life in which she is much happier.
In the end, I decided to watch it with her and talk with her about it. I told her that there were parts that might be upsetting, and that if she became upset or I became uncomfortable, we would stop the movie and talk about it.
And so, we watched. We also talked. A lot. Before, during, and after the movie. And we are still talking about things that the movie brought up for one or both of us.
These are some of the questions my daughter asked me.
- "How come he says that he loves her, but then he is so mean to her?"
- "Why doesn't she leave when he is being so mean?"
- "What if you're with someone who's mean to you, but you still love them? What should you do?"
- "Don't all women want to have babies?"
- "Does having a baby hurt?"
- "Why won't the husband let her have her own money? Or enter that pie contest? Or drive herself to work?"
I'm sure some people would argue that she is not old enough to grapple with subjects like these, or to understand my responses to her questions. That I should stick with more age-appropriate kids' movies like "Lion King" (in which a jealous lion murders his brother), "The Cat in the Hat" (in which the children's mother dates her boss, who conspires to have the son sent away to military school), or the uber-popular "Frozen" (in which a man pretends to love princess Ana when he is really planning to kill Ana's sister, Elsa, so he can eventually become king). Instead, I agreed to watch "Waitress" with her.
Sure, you could argue that "Waitress"' content is more appropriate for the average 16-year-old. However, I predict that at 16, even if she were to ask me the same questions, she would not be as receptive in her adolescent knowing-of-all-things to my responses. Watching the film with her before she has hit puberty, I am able to plant these seeds of ideas that I hope she will carry with her into adulthood:
1) When someone is hurting someone purpose, that is not love.
2) When someone does not care about your happiness, that is not love.
3) Controlling someone by not letting them have their own money, or keeping them from driving, or telling them they can't pursue a hobby, is a kind of abuse.
4) When someone hurts you, it is serious and should not be kept secret, but rather should be discussed with a safe and trustworthy person.
4) Friends are hugely important.
5) Some people want to become parents. Some people don't want to become parents. Neither position is "right" or "wrong".
6) Feeling trapped doesn't always mean you are trapped. Resolve to find a way out, as the main character in waitress does, and don't lose sight of that goal.
Someday in the not-so-distant future, my daughter will be bombarded with news, images, and ideas that are troublesome, at best. If she can take from this movie and the conversations that grew out of it any of the ideas expressed above, I will feel I made the right call about watching it with her. Already I feel that much closer to her for our having had such rich discussions.
I enjoyed this Susan and you're right about "kid" themed movies. I think she asked such thoughtful questions that showed she did understand what was going on and as women who have been in controlling and abusive relationships, it isn't too early to be talking about these things.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for taking the time to read and to comment. I so agree that conversations about healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics need to happen early and often.
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