This morning I was driving when I came upon this equine mom and baby, a sight I found so riveting that I pulled my car off the road to get closer and take a picture. I have no idea how old the baby is, but everything about it, from its wobbly-leggedness to its frequent attempts to nurse, made me think "young".
The mom alternated between focusing on the business of grazing and pausing to nuzzle or guide her little one. In her demeanor, I saw the combination of maternal devotion and absolute confidence. She was lovingly attached and in charge, and that was that.
In our society, the ideas of motherhood as 1) inherently appealing to all women, and 2) maternal instinct being hard-wired and universal have come under fire, and for good reason. The institution of motherhood in the U.S. has historically been embedded in the larger context of the oppression of women: it was simultaneously expected and devalued, and in that sense became part of the big picture of keeping women down.
What followed, in my opinion, was a backlash in which the proverbial baby was thrown out with the bathwater, and a new set of ideas became a new way for some women to feel bad about themselves. Now, women who chose motherhood could be seen as electing to limit themselves (as if the problem is mothering rather than the societal devaluing of it).
But there's another problem with this which, to me, is even more destructive. In an effort to make the case that women should be and feel free to opt out of mothering (an idea which I 100% believe and support), a great deal of rhetoric arose to say that maternal instinct is a myth.
For the record, here's what I believe about the maternal instinct:
1) It is not universal, and it's OK not to have it, and/or to decide parenting
is not for you.
2) Where maternal instinct exists, it is not static. Meaning, you can have it in varying degrees at various points, so that having mixed feelings about an unintended pregnancy doesn't mean you won't bond readily with your baby, and feeling like a natural as a mother to your infant or toddler does not mean you won't feel out of your depths in parenting a teenager.
3) If you are a mother, you probably have some degree of maternal instinct, BUT, you will not be able to access it well if you subscribe to the rhetoric that motherhood is a) a leap into the dark for which you are probably not equipped, b) a self-limiting pursuit which is bound to make you resent your kids, and c) a vast, complicated job for which the only preparation is "expertise", meaning, you'd better stay current on all the latest theories and research because you can't possibly know what to do without books, expert consultants, podcasts, and seminars.
To be clear: I agree that aspects of parenting can be complex. I believe, too, that knowledge is important, and so is getting an outside opinion at times, in this as with other areas of life.
But here's the thing. Instinct and intuition are also powerful allies in the parenting process. They require, though, that we believe in something more internal than external, that we see ourselves as having something inherently applicable and useful, something which does not require depending on anyone or anything outside of who and what we already are. In a society that teaches women to doubt themselves, that is not easy. It can feel, much of the time, like a high-stakes exam we cannot possibly prepare ourselves for.
This morning, I watched the mom and baby horses for several minutes, awed by both the power and the simplicity of their interactions and relationship. The baby was a bundle of wobbly, frenetic, affectionate energy, while the mom exuded a quiet confidence that seemed to say: "I've got this."
So, for all the moms I know who are agonizing over difficult parenting decisions, endlessly rehashing old decisions you're sure have irrevocably damaged your child, or just plain feeling lost in the quagmire of trying to raise kids as analytical human being within a society that often downplays, devalues, and discounts mothering, I say to you today:
"You've got this." It's OK to trust yourself and even relax a little. It really is.
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